It's good to be back.

I had three epiphanies today:

1. It is generally hopeless to be responsible 'for' somebody else's happiness, rather be responsible 'to' them to help them be happy. I'm very grateful that that 'somebody else' gets it too.

2. It is generally untrue that 'if I/you were/were not this/that', then I/you would be happy. We're just kidding ourselves with silly conditions.

3. It is nice to write my first blog entry in over a year.

101 reasons why I need a vacation...

1. I'm tired of working my ass off and the sh*t that comes with it.
2. I'm tired of working my ass off and the sh*t that comes with it.
3. I'm tired of working my ass off and the sh*t that comes with it.
..
..
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101. I'm tired of working my ass off and the sh*t that comes with it.

Enough said.

Life is indeed fragile.

I wish I would take better care of myself (and my family).

I've been struggling to shake this middle ear virus for about 3 to 4 weeks now and its showing no signs of abating. More sleep, more exercise and a better diet supplemented by a multi-vitamin is the way I hope to clear it up. Here's to that.

Today I also found out that my father, who up to now has enjoyed superbly good value for his 77 years, may have suffered a minor stroke. Doctor's appointment is tomorrow morning. Needless to say this has all come as a bit of a shock. I hope Pop's gonna be okay. I must make an effort to see my parent's more often.

This all goes to show that we all invariably take our health and our families for granted. We need to cherish these gifts.

Want what you can't have?

From the first moment you lay eyes on her you are mesmerised.

A blinding light just illuminated the whole room, yet somehow everyone else is still stumbling around in the darkness, oblivious. You are the only one that is drawn in, powerless to stop it. Stopped dead. Obliterated. It's magnetic and visceral and you instantly know this moment will be imprinted in your memory for the remainder of your life. Your benchmark.

This is a response you just can't describe to anyone else unless they too have experienced it. Nobody can tell you how a serendipitous collection of circumstances coupled with a person's physical and personality qualities can produce such a vivid response. Until it finally does so for you.

You secretly marvel at the way she lightly squeezes your arm in conversation or tilts her head back when she laughs. Ordinary perhaps, but it's the way that she does it that stays with you. Extraordinary, with every time deliciously like the first. In time, even her idiosyncrasies become endearing. As they should. You can't imagine her without them. The way she tries to cram too much into her day or how she always manages to arrives ten minutes late. All of this is somehow forgivable.

I can recall this happening only twice in my life. The first time it happened she walked up, smiled at me and that was it. Radiant. Instantaneous. Fatal. That moment produced two fantastic years and significantly my own benchmark for both love and heartbreak.

The second time produced the same response but not the same result. Sometimes I catch myself looking at her in that way and wonder how she would react if I told her my thoughts.

It's all in the details. In the end I think that's all that matters.

Insomnimania...

Damn it to hell.

It's 4AM and once again I can't sleep. I am so going to feel like CRAP tomorrow morning. This is generally not a new development for me, but definitely a recurring one. I blame it squarely on the fact that I am overworked and as a direct result: overtired.

What's a seasonal insomniac to do? I generally make mental lists of stuff. Any list will probably do, but I have been formulating one for some time now so why not put it down on paper (so to speak).

1. Investigate the possibility of becoming a mentor/big brother for an underprivileged kid. Rationale: Well because a wise person or wise persons have told me that to give of your time is rewarding for both parties. I don't have kids, am not married, and so I should theoretically have time to give. Right?

2. Start a new photography project. This is the part I actually get off my ass, dust off the old camera and go and actually shoot something. My idea is to do black and white portraits of some of my closest friends. That should be pretty interesting to see who would agree.

3. Take a minimum 2 week vacation. I plan to go snowboarding in March next year in Europe - probably France or Italy with one of my best friends and his new wife. Which brings me to the next item.

4. Write a best man speech that friend who is getting married in 2 months. I'm thinking go with the heart. Trying to make some amusing anecdote seem interesting to a bunch of wedding guests does not sound appealing at this point.

5. Go to sleep.

6. Go to sleep again.

Let's not even start on the list of work items or personal "must do's". I'll leave that for another night of juicy inviting sleeplessness. On a more positive note I think my balance disorder is starting to subside. Great news indeed, although I'm going to miss my morning dizzy slaloms.

One last thing. If a work colleague addresses you online as "dude" but spells it "dud", does that constitute a Freudian slip? Sadly, I think so. Maybe I'll make a list of those.

Where are those sheep when you need them? Hell, probably sleeping.

I have had an ear full...literally.

Okay, so after ANOTHER month's hiatus.... this is still not getting any easier.

*THUD*

That was the sound of me falling over. This is because the only vaguely interesting news is I have contracted a rather irritating little bug which affects my middle ear. Some sort of vestibular infection probably caused by an upper respiratory ailment. Something I've been led to believe is common and recurs.

Delightfully, this causes me to struggle with dizziness and balance especially in the mornings. The trips from my bedroom to the kitchen or bathroom have taken on Olympian proportions over the last 2 weeks. Every time I tackle this obstacle course I measure my performance on how few times I have to prop myself up against passing furniture, walls, doors and so on.

This is of course all very annoying especially since all this stumbling about can not even be justified as a result of the consumption of alcohol. The accompanying thick head, light sensitive eyes, tight chest and nausea is quite frankly highly overrated.

The doctor says its basically stress, fatigue, diet, exercise etc. The usual suspects. This of course lowers the immune system, which leads to blah blah...... bit of a catch 22 actually since the pressure does not look like abating on the work front. Please dear lord, I just hope this (health and professional) clears up pretty soon.

Please excuse me while I fall over again.

*THUD*

(ah, so that's where the remote is.....)

WARNING: Introspective narrative. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

Okay so after a month's hiatus (which involved a few sheepish late night checks to see if anybody had actually left a comment), I thought it's high time I actually contribute something of my own again.

[silence]

So as I was saying, in order to get my brain focusing on something other than work I chose a word randomly and I came up with this (yes I know this is geeky):

demarche (day-MARSH) noun

A course of action, especially a diplomatic petition or protest.

I think the idea worked, because I immediately picked up on the words 'protest' and 'diplomatic' - but for very different reasons. Over the last couple of months I've once again allowed myself to focus solely on my work. This pattern seems to perennially repeat itself and it took a recent relationship for the point to be driven home. Again.

She said that my life was routine bound and lacking in variety (you can see however where the diplomacy came in handy). She was right. I am leading a rather dull life right now. I can't really argue with that, even though I'm actually not the routine type - except of course when I focus on one thing only: work.

Don't get me wrong, There is plenty of socialising, sport, and of course work but not much else. I think I can make more of a difference in my and other people's lives in many ways.

I have a number of ideas, but that's for the next post. That does not mean that I won't take the opportunity to trash talk my neighbours who insist on moving furniture or redecorating their apartment at 2am in the morning. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?